To my sweet baby girl, I’m sorry I got annoyed with you today and left the room. It was the screaming, I didn’t know what to do and I could feel myself getting more and more anxious and uptight. I needed to go out the room and breathe, just for a minute. I don’t even think you realised as you were too busy rolling around the cot in a rage, but I knew and as I came back in I looked at your eyes. Did they show me that you knew what I was thinking, did you know that at that moment I didn’t want to be there, I didn’t want to be a Mummy.
I’m tired today which is no excuse but definitely a reason for my lack of coping. I brought you in to bed with me at 1am after an hour of sitting by your cot trying to get you back to sleep, I was cold. Daddy is away and so I had no support. You went back to sleep fairly quickly but woke numerous times, reaching for my hand, pinching at my skin and grabbing my face. Tossing and turning with an uncomfortable tummy you decided you had, had enough of sleeping at 5:30. I fumbled for the TV remote and put on Peppa Pig, I wasn’t ready to get up, to face the day yet. Your brothers hear the Tv and join us around 6 and I manage to get up, eyes burning, wondering how I am going to make it through the day.
You don’t want to sit and eat all your breakfast and you definitely don’t want to get dressed. the car seat has the same affect and as your brothers go in to School you shout no, no, no at them and strain in my arms trying to chase after them. Back to the car and you scream again, arching your back making it difficult for me to get you in. I have a doctors appointment and almost don’t go, the thought of the waiting room and chasing after you is almost too much. Just like I thought, you spend the wait climbing over the chairs and running around, some patients smile at you and some frown. I want to protect you from those frowns even though you don’t notice or care so I scoop you up, try and occupy you with the bead table to no avail. Finally we are in the room with the doctor and she even comments on how active you are and questions if you ever sit still. I find myself coming to your defense as you are trying to empty the contents of the medical tray.
Back to the car and someone has parked so close I can’t get you in and have to lean through. You still aren’t happy about going in the car and I don’t blame you. We need to go to the supermarket to get some of your milk and I try and think of a way we don’t need to do it as I can’t face it, but we do. It’s the only place we can get your oat milk. You don’t want to go in the trolley and cling to me meaning I’m pushing the trolley and holding you. Eventually I get you in there and you howl and sob the rest of the way round. This time going back in the car you are quite happy as I bribe you with food.
Home for lunch and then we are in the bedroom at the moment we are at now, with you screaming and me upset and I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried holding you, walking with you, cuddling you, putting you in the cot and still you scream. You are so tired but don’t want to sleep and I give up. I’m sorry I can’t comfort you, I can’t stop the tears or help you sleep. So I do the only thing I know, the thing that will heal us both, a cuddle. I hold your little body, so cross, so fierce and wonder what you are thinking, wishing you could tell me.