It’s taken a while but now at 38 weeks I’m feeling positive about my body and myself for the first time in a long while.
My self confidence took a HUGE knock when my ex husband had an affair. I know that ultimately it was him that was to blame, but it doesn’t stop you blaming yourself. Especially when the affair is with someone who hasn’t had kids. As I had two kids, one of the things I blamed was my body!
I’ve done a lot of soul searching this pregnancy and I’m not going to lie. I found it incredibly tough when my body started changing. I was worried that my now partner (he’s not the ex husband who cheated) wouldn’t like my changing body. That he wouldn’t want me anymore. Of course he isn’t as shallow as this, and I knew this, but I still couldn’t stop the thoughts.
I went through a phase where I was embarrassed of my body infront of him, I would cover up the bump and felt pretty miserable. For some reason I was torturing myself. It wasn’t until I had a total pregnant, hormonal, weeping, snotty, meltdown about it, that it started to improve.
I know that he still finds me beautiful, he tells me and I believe him. This in itself is a huge success for me. I know that although he sometimes finds the alien movements strange he is actually quite fond of the bump and now so am I. I’m no longer looking at myself in a critical light. I’ve been reminded of how amazing our bodies are, that they can change and grow another little person. I’m looking at myself in a kinder light and even starting to like what I see again. Of course I still have the odd moment where I catch sight of my now very round bump in the mirror and think OMG!
I’ve made a promise to myself that I am going to try and be kinder when I’m getting/trying to get my body back after having this baby. I think I’m always going to be a bit self critical of myself. That’s just the way I am. However this pregnancy has given me back some confidence. I’m rembering that it’s not about someone wanting you, it’s about them loving you.