Starting School – I want to keep you on my lap a little longer

My little Finlay woo I can’t believe you are old enough to be starting School tomorrow. You’re ready to go, it’s me that’s not ready.

Every Mum feels fiercely protective of their child, but with you that protective feeling has always been strong, it had to be.

When you were just 4 weeks old, the doctors thought you had sepsis!

You were so, so poorly.

Hearing your screams as they did the lumbar puncture from down the corridor, I was sobbing with fear, unable to help you.

It’s a moment that will haunt me forever.

It went against every single instinct in me, the nurses stopping me from going in, holding me in the corridor when I should have been holding you.

I thought I was going to loose you that night!

I stayed awake at the side of your cot my tired eyes too scared to close, watching every breath that you took, terrified at the sight of your little grey face, all the tubes and wires.

It triggered something in me.

Through your recovery and the numerous hospital visits after it was always me there, 24/7 the one who didn’t leave your side.

It felt like me and you against the world!

I would hold you carefully, picking you up gently avoiding the tubes and wires, feel you breathing on my neck, feel your fragile body struggling against the raging fevers.

It was me that would watch and wait for you to get better. Then I would hold my breath waiting for it to happen again. I would try and relax, try and enjoy you. But that fear was there, forever present.

Through all the night feeds I would hold you tightly, constantly check on you sleeping as thats when it would hit, when your lips would go blue from your swelling tonsils. They didn’t know what was wrong and why you kept getting so ill, even testing your immune system.

Over the years, slowly and surely the visits to the hospital got less, you got bigger and stronger.

Last week when you suddenly got a fever when we were in London, the fear came back. That night I checked on you, watched you breathing and cried myself to sleep. The thought of my little baby so ill being brought up again. It’s still there in me.

When you were just two, still a baby and your Dad left I can remember looking at you. Your beautiful face, big blue eyes and little blonde curls and I couldn’t understand how anyone would want to leave you.

It broke my heart that I couldn’t do more to protect you!

Every night you would come in to my bed, finding a spot to curl up next to me. Your head resting under my chin you would instantly go back to sleep. Your little warm body giving me comfort on the lonely nights.

It was back to being me and you and your brother against the World. I swore in those nights and days that I would love you enough for two people. That you wouldn’t go without love.

You haven’t I love you so fiercely and always will!

As a toddler you were a shy, calm little thing, sitting on my lap watching and waiting looking to me for reassurance before you were ready to get down and explore on your own. Constantly keeping your eye on me and coming back before venturing out again.

I want to keep you on my lap for a little bit longer!

Stroke your hair, feel your breath on my neck as you reach for a cuddle and your little hand reach for mine as you say Mummy I love you.

I’m so proud of the little boy you are becoming, but I’m not ready.

starting school

 
 
Follow:

42 Comments

  1. September 7, 2015 / 7:26 am

    Such a moving post. I can’t imagine how hard today will be for you, waving your little boy off at school, but it sounds like he’s doing really well it must be such a great achievement and relief. X

    • MummyandMonkeys
      September 16, 2015 / 8:51 pm

      Thank you luckily he seems to have settled well x

    • MummyandMonkeys
      September 16, 2015 / 8:51 pm

      thank you x

  2. September 11, 2015 / 6:14 am

    This is so lovely and moving. You both sound really strong and you can get through anything. I can imagine how hard it was to let him go.
    I hope he had a great first day 🙂

    Laura xx

    #PicknMix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      September 16, 2015 / 8:52 pm

      He had a great first day thanks and I wasn’t too bad I think I got a lot of it out by writing this! x

  3. September 11, 2015 / 7:38 am

    Just reading this with my morning coffee, am now tearing up at my desk! This is lovely and sad and lovely again! Bet he had a great tho #PicknMix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      September 16, 2015 / 8:52 pm

      He had a lovely time thanks and seems to be settling in well x

  4. September 11, 2015 / 8:48 am

    That’s two posts of yours that have made me cry this morning. 🙁
    You’re such an amazing mum. You must be so proud that he’s starting school but it must be so hard to let him go. This is such a beautiful post and I hope he gets to read it when he’s older, although I’m sure he knows just how much he’s loved. You’ll be a little team forever. Nothing will break your bond or your love. What a lovely, beautiful post. x

    • MummyandMonkeys
      September 16, 2015 / 8:53 pm

      Aww thanks and you have made me well up with your comments. I hope he gets to read it one day too and always knows how much he is loved x

  5. September 11, 2015 / 9:44 am

    I cannot imagine how tough it will be for me sending Jack off to school. I went food shopping alone on Monday night and I was back home in 40 minutes having missed him. ridiculous I know!

    This is a lovely post and i’m sure he’ll miss you too xx #PicknMix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      September 16, 2015 / 8:54 pm

      Oh yes I know that feeling too. It’s amazing how quickly you can miss them x

  6. September 11, 2015 / 10:08 am

    Awww, you brought tears to my eyes this morning, reading your post. It’s so frightening when something is wrong with your baby. Your description of the hospital & wanting to hold him & fearing for his health is so moving & I felt like I was there with you. I think starting school is hardest for Mommy. I hope Finaly has a great first day of school & that it isn’t too hard on you!! Thanks so much for hosting #PicknMix x

    • MummyandMonkeys
      September 16, 2015 / 8:55 pm

      Thanks for the lovely comment. He had a great first day and luckily I wasn’t too bad I think I had got a lot of emotion out when writing this x

  7. September 11, 2015 / 11:05 am

    This is so beautiful! The emotions that these little people put us through is a roller coaster but one that is worth riding. #picknmix xx

  8. September 11, 2015 / 1:33 pm

    Lovely post. That sounds like a terrifying experience. I hope that school goes well – I think I will find it hard when mine get to that stage too. #picknmix

  9. September 11, 2015 / 1:49 pm

    that must have been a very difficult time. He’ll always be your little partner. It sounds trite, but it gets easier once you realize how much fun they are having at school

  10. September 11, 2015 / 1:53 pm

    Oh bless – it’s so hard watching them move on to the next stage- whatever that might be #PickNMix

  11. September 11, 2015 / 7:20 pm

    Such a lovely post, heart warming. I know what you mean about its you that’s not ready. They grow up too quick.

  12. September 11, 2015 / 7:24 pm

    Aw beautifully written!! Hope he gets on okay at school #PickNMix xx

  13. September 11, 2015 / 7:43 pm

    ahh thats lovely and brought tear to my eye. I don;t think we’re ever ready. Hope it went ok? #picknmix

  14. September 11, 2015 / 8:45 pm

    what a lovely post, I think we all feel like this even if they have been before I felt lost once the summer had ended and now two of them are back at school I don’t think it matters how old they get as mums we will always miss them xx

  15. September 12, 2015 / 8:28 am

    Its hard to see your little ones grow, but each new step comes with its positives as well. #justanotherlinky

  16. September 12, 2015 / 11:55 am

    Such a beautiful post. I hope that he’s settling into his new school well and that you’re OK xx
    #picknmix

  17. September 12, 2015 / 12:24 pm

    Ah this is such an emotional post, what a worry for you when he was poorly. I think even when our boys are big strapping teenagers they will still be our babies and we’ll never stop worrying about them! #picknmix

  18. September 12, 2015 / 7:09 pm

    What a beautiful post! You must have been terrified with him so poorly. I hope he enjoys his first day at school and you don’t miss him too much x #justanotherlinky

  19. September 12, 2015 / 9:41 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful story. I can’t truly imagine how frightened you must have been with your son so ill, though I do have a small sense of that terror as my boys too have run fevers that made me sick with worry and watch them like hawks all night. It’s a terrible thing to go through, and I can only guess how much more difficult if you are a single parent. I can read the intensity of the love you have for your boys in your words, and I am sure they feel it everyday and will always know it, even when they are grown and have left school! Sending big hugs to you! I’m visiting from #Picknmix

  20. September 13, 2015 / 10:05 pm

    I am in tears right now. Such a beautiful post. When your sons are older to read this post. They are sure will be even more surprised at how amazing you are. You are an inspirational and a wonderful mum to your sons.
    #PicknMix

  21. September 14, 2015 / 7:41 am

    Ahhhh you nearly made me cry – I didn’t realise all your little boy has been through, how frightening for both of you, I had no idea. Gosh he is a real fighter, it must be even more emotional now he is starting school. I hope he is settling in okay, and don’t worry, he’ll always be your baby. Sabrina xx #picknmix

  22. September 14, 2015 / 11:44 am

    It’s so hard when there’s something wrong with your child that you can’t fix isn’t it? Seeing them in hospital hooked up to drips etc is horrific and must have been so scary for you with Finlay being so young. I’m so glad he was okay though and hope he loved hi first week of school.

    Stevie xx

    • MummyandMonkeys
      September 16, 2015 / 8:59 pm

      Thanks hun I know you understand. He’s had a great first week and is getting on well, very proud of him x

  23. September 14, 2015 / 1:38 pm

    Aww, a lovely post! Hope he was happy at school? 🙂 x

    • MummyandMonkeys
      September 16, 2015 / 8:57 pm

      Yes he had a great first day and seems to be settling in well although getting tired now he is full days x

  24. September 15, 2015 / 3:29 pm

    Such a lovely post. It’s hard watching them grow and letting them go isn’t it?

    Thanks so much for linking up with #justanotherlinky

    • MummyandMonkeys
      September 16, 2015 / 8:57 pm

      Yes it is hard, some days harder than others x

  25. September 15, 2015 / 7:06 pm

    Oh my goodness I had tears in my eyes reading the beginning of this – it is just mother nature to want to protect our children with every fibre of our being – to not be able to must be heart wrenching. You sound like a wonderfully committed mummy. I am already dreading my eldest starting school next year because I just don’t want to let him go. Thanks for a beautiful moving post #bigfatlinky

    • MummyandMonkeys
      September 16, 2015 / 8:56 pm

      Thank you so much for our kind comments. It’s tough to let them go but great to see them succeeding at it x

  26. September 18, 2015 / 8:13 pm

    What an amazing post!! You made me cry!! I feel so emotional just reading this!! I feel for you and I really understand how much you want to protect him! It is called unconditional love!! You sound like a great mother and so strong that you could go through anything!! Wish your boy a wonderful Reception Year. Mine is now at Year 1. The time went by so quick!! Thanks for sharing this.
    #PicknMix

  27. January 6, 2016 / 4:05 pm

    Oh it’s such a big change and a milestone in a child’s life isn’t it? It was so hard for me to let B start school and get used to running around with just one toddler during the week. I wanted to keep him younger longer but it just flew by. I hate how fast time goes while raising children. Why can’t they stay babies a little longer. Time freezes a few times for us to take it all in. Thank you ever so much for linking up to Share With Me. I hope to see you again soon. May you have had a lovely holiday and a happy new year darling. #sharewithme

  28. September 9, 2016 / 1:54 pm

    Go get ’em little Finlay! Mama- he will do great things in this world and you will be with him every steo of the way 🙂

    #picknmix

Leave a Reply