Our secret heartache Ectopic Miscarriage

It’s taken me a while to decide whether to write this post or not. It’s so very personal but is one that I feel like I have to write, my fingers are burning with the words waiting to come out. I’m struggling to write anything else as it’s all I can think about and in writing this I hope I can bring some closure for myself and maybe reach out to others who have been in the same situation. I should be past the 12 weeks pregnant mark now, having our first scan, full of excitement, dreams and wishes for the future of our unborn child. Instead I’m empty, numb and alone, there is no baby growing inside of me anymore. My body failed it, I failed it. 

our secret heartache ectopic miscarriage

When we found out I was pregnant it was a shock as we were using contraception. Initially full of fear, how were we going to cope with another child when some days it was already all too much. A little part of me inside knew it would be ok, the child would be loved, we would make it work. As each day passed I began to think about the new life growing, what would it be like? My hand gently brushing against my stomach, smiling at the thought of feeling the first flutters of movement again. A little secret I was carrying around keeping me company. However I knew something wasn’t right. The sickness that had been the telltale sign even before the first test began to dwindle and I was having pain on one side, intermittent stabbing pains that would take my breath away.

When the bleeding started I was half expecting it, although it was still a shock. I held on to the hope that everything might still be alright. Stuck at School on a training day unable to even say the words out loud I waited till the training finished before driving to the doctors, the pain getting worse with each passing minute. On seeing him he confirmed my worst fears that I was likely having a miscarriage and symptons were highly likely of being an ectopic. Waiting for James to pick me up to take me to hospital I tried not to cry in the reception, tears burning my eyes and silently rolling down my cheeks made the receptionist bring me some tissues with a sad smile. When James arrived the feeling of relief I had at seeing him was immense, I knew I could get through whatever was going to happen with him by my side. 

At the hospital after cannulas being fitted, much poking and proding they decided on a wait and see with an open instant access back and instructions to hurry back if the pain became unbearable. We went home worried to await and see what would happen. That night I hardly slept, waiting and hoping everything would still be ok. Over the next couple of days things progressed for the worse, the pain was like labour and by the Monday I knew I was no longer pregnant. Weak and shaky, with legs like jelly we went back to the hospital for a blood test to confirm a drop in hormone levels. Feeling like I was going to pass out I clung to James unable to stand on my own. 

The bloods confirmed a drop in hormones now so low that nothing would be able to be seen on a scan. That was how I was left. No words of wisdom, no words of hope, no words of reassurance just that’s it, the end, I had suffered a likely ectopic miscarriage, so matter of fact. 

It’s been weeks and months since it happened and I still feel numb. The occasional newborn baby on the TV or a bump picture making my eyes well up with tears I’m unable to shed. The pangs of guilt I get in quiet moments, when I’m driving or having a shower, the reminder that I’ve just carried on with life when one was lost. Very few people know and so friends can’t understand why I haven’t maybe been myself recently, the words too hard to say to them, with no idea of even how to start the conversation. In my darkest moments I blame myself, my body, the initial fears that I first had for causing this.

I know I’m incredibly lucky to have my three beautiful children, my babies. I hold them even tighter for a little bit longer, kiss them on their head breathing in the scent of their hair, holding their hands in mine and watching them sleep. Cherishing these ordinary moments because life is so precious. 

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62 Comments

  1. April 6, 2016 / 8:25 pm

    Oh lovely. You’re not to blame. I know it won’t help, but it isn’t your fault. Be kind to yourself xx

    • MummyandMonkeys
      April 8, 2016 / 9:58 am

      Thank you Sian, it’s hard to not blame yourself when you don’t know how or why it happened xx

  2. April 6, 2016 / 8:35 pm

    Oh honey. I just want to give you the biggest hug. I have lost four babies to miscarriage and every emotion and thought you’ve expressed here is something I have felt or thought. It is tragic. And you just feel empty. Or sometimes I felt the emptiness as a physical pain in my tummy. I wish I could take this away from you. But please know that you did nothing wrong. You did not fail. You are a wonderful and strong woman who has three beautiful children. I’m sending you so much love and lots of healing hugs. If you ever want to chat then I am here for you. Lucy xxxx

    • MummyandMonkeys
      April 8, 2016 / 9:58 am

      Lucy you are one of the bravest most honest people I know. Thank you for encouraging me to be open and honest about what has been happening as it’s definitely helped a bit. I’m also so sorry you have been through it so much, I can’t even imagine. xx

  3. April 6, 2016 / 8:36 pm

    Oh my love…so so sorry to hear this. 🙁 You are not to blame, not one bit. Life is just shit sometimes, there’s no other word for it. Such a courageous post. Hope it helped you a little to get it all out. Take care. Be kind to yourself. X

    • MummyandMonkeys
      April 8, 2016 / 9:56 am

      Thanks so much Kate, it has helped a bit I needed to write it and talk about it. Your right life is just shit sometimes and there is no reason for it xx

  4. April 6, 2016 / 8:38 pm

    It is natural to blame yourself, I did the same, but it is certainly not your fault and in time you will see that. You are indeed lucky to have your three kids but that does not detract from the pain hun. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to mourn. It is an awful thing to go through and I wish I could give you a big hug xxx

    • MummyandMonkeys
      April 8, 2016 / 9:55 am

      Thanks so much Katy, its been tough and I still feel numb about it all xx

  5. April 6, 2016 / 8:38 pm

    I’m so, so sorry to read this. I hope letting the words out has helped you in some way, sometimes you just need to open up and let it all out.
    Thinking of you. xx

    • MummyandMonkeys
      April 8, 2016 / 9:55 am

      I really did need to let it out and it has helped a bit, thanks hun xx

  6. April 6, 2016 / 9:08 pm

    So sorry to read this. It must be so hard to think what if and have those thoughts. Nature is really cruel sometimes. I hope writing the post helped and I still think sharing this will help so many. Lots love xx

    • MummyandMonkeys
      April 8, 2016 / 9:54 am

      It’s the what if’s that are hard and the not knowing why. Thanks for your kind words xx

  7. April 6, 2016 / 9:47 pm

    Thank you for sharing something so personal. I know it will help others in the same situation know they aren’t alone. Hugs xxx

    • MummyandMonkeys
      April 8, 2016 / 9:54 am

      I hope it does help others that have been through similar xx

  8. April 6, 2016 / 9:49 pm

    I blamed myself for a long time but it’s not anybody’s fault, it’s just nature! I lost four babies over three pregnancys and my dreams of having another baby just seemed to slip away. I had a baby at 17 1/2 weeks pregnant and have never got over it even though I have Archie now and we are so lucky. It takes time to heal and it’s great that you can talk about it as at the time I felt very alone and didn’t know who to talk to. Well done for sharing you story. I’m hear if you ever want a chat xxxx

    • MummyandMonkeys
      April 8, 2016 / 9:53 am

      Oh Laura, I can’t imagine what you have been through. I had no one to talk to either and talking is how I sort things in my head along with writing which is why I wrote the post. My partner is not a talker and is even less of a talker about this so its been rather lonely. xx

  9. Louise catton
    April 6, 2016 / 10:15 pm

    Ooo hun, i had no idea, im soo soo sorry, its not your fault and i echo what all the other posters have posted, massive hugs to you hunni, here if you need anything xxxxxxxxx

    • MummyandMonkeys
      April 8, 2016 / 9:52 am

      Thanks so much for commenting Louise it means a lot xx

  10. April 7, 2016 / 8:29 am

    Darling I know that words are fairly meaningless but you didn’t fail and even when you feel like you did – which is natural – you didn’t. Sending loads and loads of love xxx

    • MummyandMonkeys
      April 8, 2016 / 9:49 am

      Thanks hun, its so hard beacuse you do automatically blame yourself and there are no answers for why or how. xx

  11. April 7, 2016 / 8:33 am

    Oh my darling, this is so similar to my first pregnancy. My heart breaks for you. Much love and prayers being sent your way. You are so brave and this will help many others who feel alone in their secret grief. Message me anytime you want hun xxx

    • MummyandMonkeys
      April 8, 2016 / 9:48 am

      Thanks hun, I hope it does help others. It just felt wrong keeping it all to myself I needed to let it out and it has helped a bit. Sorry to hear you have been through it too xx

  12. April 7, 2016 / 11:03 am

    I’m so sorry to hear this 🙁 you are in my thoughts xx

    • MummyandMonkeys
      April 8, 2016 / 9:47 am

      Thank you Sophie xx

  13. April 7, 2016 / 11:42 am

    Enormous hugs coming your way from me. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve never lost a pregnancy and can’t accurately imagine how it feels, I’m sure, but I know that it must be devastating and wish that I could take the pain away.

    • MummyandMonkeys
      April 8, 2016 / 9:47 am

      Thanks so much for your kind words Amber xx

  14. April 7, 2016 / 12:34 pm

    I am so sorry to hear this. Sending you lots of hugs. I had 3 miscarriages before my beautiful baby girl came along. It’s so hard to get past the blaming yourself part. It will get easier but you will never forget. Xx

    • MummyandMonkeys
      April 8, 2016 / 9:46 am

      I’m sorry to hear that you have been through it Rachel. I hope it does get easier xx

  15. April 7, 2016 / 1:57 pm

    I’m so sorry 🙁 there aren’t words to make you feel better but please know it wasn’t your fault. Hugs xx

    • MummyandMonkeys
      April 8, 2016 / 9:45 am

      Thanks Rachel xx

  16. April 7, 2016 / 2:40 pm

    I’m sorry to hear this and well done for writing about it. Please don’t blame yourself, there are so many reasons why this would have happened and none of them you could have prevented. I had 2 miscarriages and it’s the worst feeling ever. Be kind to yourself. Sending hugs xxx

    • MummyandMonkeys
      April 8, 2016 / 9:45 am

      Oh I’m sorry to hear that Laura, it’s a horrible thing to have to go through. xx

  17. April 8, 2016 / 6:43 am

    I’m so sorry you went through this lovely, I can’t even begin to imagine the pain. #picknmix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      April 8, 2016 / 9:40 am

      Thanks Kaye xx

  18. April 8, 2016 / 7:36 am

    Bless you sweetie – I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I’m so glad you have the support of your family and can’t imagine how hard this must have been to write. Massive hugs xxxx#Picknmix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      April 8, 2016 / 9:40 am

      My family have been amazing including my Mum and Dad its made all the difference although Men do cope with it all in a different way (well my man did) which has been hard xx

  19. April 8, 2016 / 7:43 am

    Aw I am so sorry you had to go through this. Keep strong and well done for finding the strength to share your experience. Lots of love xxxx #picknmix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      April 8, 2016 / 9:39 am

      Thank you xx

  20. April 8, 2016 / 8:02 am

    So sorry to hear this, what an awful thing for you to go through. I hope writing this has given you some closure and makes you feel a little better. Please know it wasn’t your fault, these things just happen sometimes, life can be cruel. I am sure this post will help people who have been through a similar experience xx #picknmix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      April 8, 2016 / 9:39 am

      Thank you, yes it has helped in a weird way. xx

  21. April 8, 2016 / 8:29 am

    So sorry you went through this, what an awful experience. But I’m glad you wrote this post, it was very brave of you, and I’m sure it has helped you to focus your pain and grief a little, and I hope it will be a help to others who have unfortunately gone through the same thing. Sending lots of love xx #picknmix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      April 8, 2016 / 9:38 am

      Thank you xx

  22. April 8, 2016 / 1:28 pm

    I’m so sorry you had to go through this, I can’t imagine how awful it must feel, but it’s most definitely not your fault. You are incredibly brave and strong and will recover from this with your gorgeous little family beside you. Xx #picnmix

  23. April 8, 2016 / 2:31 pm

    It really is such an empty feeling when you know in your heart and you’re waiting for them to confirm the worst. And horrible how they tell you the news at the hospital. I had an early miscarriage before Taylor and can relate to your feeling of blaming yourself so much – it is really only natural that as women we feel that way. It will get easier for you as time goes on, but you shouldn’t blame yourself and definitely don’t feel guilty for feeling numb still – yes, you have your other children, but it’s still a loss you need to come to terms with. Big hugs x

  24. April 8, 2016 / 6:05 pm

    I had two miscarriages before Little B and I didn’t tell anyone either. It was ages before I wrote about it, not until I was about 5 months pregnant with Little B. It’s easy to blame yourself but these things happen for all sorts of reasons – I tried to think it just wasn’t meant to be and it was better something happened early on than later onx #picknmix

  25. April 8, 2016 / 6:59 pm

    Sorry to read what you have been through. big hugs x #picknmix

  26. April 8, 2016 / 7:30 pm

    So sorry to read what you’ve been through. Hopefully writing about it has helped you to process it and know that you’re not alone in what you’ve been through? Sending big virtual hugs!

  27. April 8, 2016 / 7:42 pm

    So sorry to hear this and so sad to read, it bought a little tear to my eye. Please don’t blame yourself, your not to blame, it’s not your fault. Sending you big hugs. Claire x #PickNMix

  28. April 9, 2016 / 5:34 am

    I feel your pain. We had a miscarriage 3 years ago and I still think about it. Its something that will never leave you, sadly, but you will get through it with love and support from friends and family. Thank you for sharing on #PicknMix

  29. April 9, 2016 / 9:37 pm

    You did not fail. Take care of yourself and reveal in what you do have as you learn to cope with what you’ve lost. #PicknMix

  30. April 9, 2016 / 9:57 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear that you have gone through this and are still going through this. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time and space to feel sad and grieve. Sending hugs x

  31. April 10, 2016 / 5:22 pm

    So sorry to read this, I can’t offer any words that will make it better, I wish I could say something, anything to make it easier xx

  32. April 10, 2016 / 10:54 pm

    Obviously we talked at the time about this lovely, but reading your post I can see even more how hard it was for you. You know I’m always here if you need to talk and we’ll done on a brave beautiful post.

    Never blame yourself beautiful

    Stevie xx

  33. Jenyth EDMUNDS
    April 10, 2016 / 10:59 pm

    Huge hugs hunni I lost two angels one at 11wks to missed mc and my second loss was Thomas 17wks miss him so much our babies will always be a huge part of our lives will get easier in time they will never been forgotten xxx

  34. April 10, 2016 / 11:33 pm

    I’m so sorry. I had an ectopic the year before my first child. It wasn’t a miscarriage and I therefore had to have treatment to manage it before it ruptured. I hadn’t known I was pregnant, or expected I could be, before I started experiencing pain and was sent to hospital with a suspected ectopic preganancy. Therefore, I knew from the start that the pregnancy was not viable. It was a difficult experience. It was frightening because of the risks and how ill the pregnancy and treatment made me, and therefore I wanted it to be over. But then you feel guilty about feeling that way about it, even though you know that the baby was never able to survive.

    It’s not your fault. So many things can cause this to happen, and they’re beyond your control. Mine was probably due to damage to a fallopian tube as a result of scar tissue left from a ruptured appendix as a child, but they don’t know that for sure, and I could never have known that risk was there.

    I hope things get easier with time. #picknmix

  35. April 11, 2016 / 11:32 am

    This is such a personal and honest post, beautifully written, thanks so much for sharing your heartache. You haven’t failed anyone or anything, you are not to blame. Big hugs X #PicknMix

  36. April 12, 2016 / 6:47 am

    This post is so brave, well done for sharing something so difficult. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Life can be so unspeakably cruel.

    I hope getting your words out here has helped a little and I’m sending hugs and positivity to you.

    Lots of love x #picknmix

  37. April 14, 2016 / 9:33 am

    Thank you for writing about your experience. I’m sure it was hard and you had to try a thousand times to get your thoughts to come out right, but it really is helpful for other women in your situation who feel like they’re all alone. (I hope it was also therapeutic for you!) Miscarriage is becoming less of a taboo topic, but it’s still not something that’s talked about (more like whispered about like it’s a secret.) My pregnancy losses haven’t been the exact same circumstances as yours, but many of the feelings are the same. I hope you can heal eventually – and please do not feel that you or your body failed. You did everything right that could have been done.

  38. April 14, 2016 / 4:09 pm

    I am so sorry. The pain that you feel, emotional as well as physical is so unbearable. I had a miscarriage before I had the boys and it all felt so clinical. The doctor told me with no emotion or sympathy in his voice, so matter of fact. So cold. I am sending you lots of hugs, life is so cruel sometimes. xx #PicknMix

  39. April 19, 2016 / 1:31 pm

    I am so sorry for the pain you must feel darling. Don’t pressure yourself not to feel the sadness or mourn even though you have three amazingly beautiful children already that doesn’t mean it hurts any less babes. Both physically and mentally. Rest, relax and I think it’s amazing and brave of you to share your story here. It used to be we don’t share this topic but in this age it’s more common than we think and better to share stories so other can relate and feel not alone if that makes sense. Ladies united. I am sending virtual hugs to you and love. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me. #sharewithme

  40. April 19, 2016 / 8:38 pm

    I’m so sorry to read this. I can’t imagine what it must be like to lose a baby but I do know it wasn’t your fault and that you are very brave to share your story. #sharewithme

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