This time of year is a bit weird for me, New Years Eve is a night of celebration for many and it is for me too. I now have the added bonus that no matter what I do on New Years Eve it would have to be pretty shockingly crap to be worse than it was 3 years ago.
At the moment I don’t know what day of the week it is, struggle to get out of my pyjamas and am constantly trying to find new homes for too many toys. All normal for the week between Christmas and New Year. However I’m also having nightly nightmares, recurring horrible dreams on the same theme that wake me up in sweat and tears, that leave me feeling distressed for hours. They feature James cheating on me, leaving me, telling me that he hates me. They feel so real and I wake in a panic not sure if what I’m dreaming is true. I’m pretty sure it’s to do with the time of year and although I’m not consciously thinking about it, my subconscious tells me different.
Three years ago on New Years Eve my little world as I knew it came crashing down around me as my then worst fears were confirmed and I found out my now ex husband was having an affair. That moment is one that I will never forget, the crushing feeling, the nausea, the confusion, the hurt. A bomb was dropped on my life and it shattered. I’ve put it back together and it’s stronger now, happier and healthier, but obviously the scars still run deep.
James has given me no reason to doubt him, I know he loves me and our family and would never do anything to hurt us. Having had the same thing done to him, he also knows how it feels and so I feel guilty for my dreams. I wish that I could stop them, but I have no idea how?
This New Years Eve I will spend with him after putting the children to bed and we will have a nice meal, maybe some champagne and watch a film. I will cherish these ordinary moments, no big parties, no massive celebration. But I will be celebrating, that I and my children are safe and happy and loved as ultimately that’s what is important.