The guilt that creeps up on you – Gone to bed guilt

The guilt often keeps me company when I go to bed and through the night showing itself in tears down my cheeks and a dampness on my pillow where I lay my head. I try not to sob outloud, keeping my tears silent so as not to wake my partner or toddler unsure of where this guilt and sadness that has hit me like a tonne of bricks has come from. Anything can trigger it, a cross word, the feeling that I’ve not spent enough quality time with them that day or a fleeting look of sadness when I’ve said I’m too busy to play. The weekends they go to their Dads it can be walking past their empty bedrooms. They shouldn’t be empty you see, I’ve failed as a Mum in not providing them with a secure stable home environment. The guilt that shouldn’t be mine to bear has never the less been placed on my shoulders. 

I lay awake unable to sleep, the feeling of regret, remorse, and a promise to myself that tomorrow I will do better. I will be a better Mum. I will forget about all the mundane everyday tasks that often take over. I will focus on the present, the here and now and cherish the ordinary moments. They are only going to be little for a certain amount of time and then they wont need me so much anymore. The feeling of being stretched and pulled in every possible direction will no longer be as intense as it is now and I will miss it, I know I will. As I miss the sleepy baby cuddles with them, how the 8 year old no longer walks holding my hand and instead walks ahead with his friends talking and laughing. The toddler already so fiercely independent. 

Sometimes the guilt is to much the bear and I think that they deserve better than me, a better Mummy. That I don’t deserve them. That’s not what they want though, they want me. In their eyes I’m a good Mummy, they look at me with little eyes full of love. In the daytime I look at them and they are happy, smiley healthy children with a safe home. They are lucky and we are blessed to have them in our lives. I know that the guilt is still there lingering like a shadow in a corner waiting for when I’m vulnerable, tired and used up. Unable to sleep it will creep up on me again and I will lie awake making promises to myself that tomorrow will be different. 

The guilt that creeps up on you - gone to bed guilt

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46 Comments

  1. February 11, 2016 / 10:32 am

    Oh my love! I know that I don’t know you, but from what I have read you have nothing at all to feel guilty about. You sound like a wonderful mummy. I know what you mean though, thoughts of a cross word or a lack of time that is hard to explain often weighs on my mind after they are all tucked in bed. I think it is implanted in you from the moment you fall pregnant, and probably wont ever leave. But that’s a good thing, because it means that you are making a conscious effort everyday to make sure your tiny humans are happy.

    Leah xx

    • MummyandMonkeys
      February 28, 2016 / 1:58 pm

      Thank you Leah for your lovely comment. It’s definitely a good thing wanting to make them happy x

  2. February 12, 2016 / 8:03 am

    Oh, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Being a mum is tough, what with the constant giving and demands on your time. And yet, you need to cherish yourself because as you say you are the sun that these tiny planets revolve around. Please don’t carry this guilt around and be assured that you are doing a fantatic job! #PicknMix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      February 28, 2016 / 1:59 pm

      Thank you Kim, I love how you phrased it there, I definitely need to make more time for myself x

  3. February 12, 2016 / 8:05 am

    Aww lovely don’t feel guilty, I’m sure you are doing a brilliant job and are a wonderful mummy. I can relate to what you’ve written though, I often feel guilty for not spending enough quality time with my son, even though we spend every second of the day together. I think guilt is just something that is part of being a parent, enough of us seem to get it so I guess it must be. Smile, you’re doing fine xx #picknmix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      February 28, 2016 / 2:00 pm

      I think guilt happens from the moment you know you are pregnant. It was for me anyway. Thank you for your lovely comment x

  4. February 12, 2016 / 9:00 am

    I understand this feeling as a person who also suffers greatly from mummy guilt. It is hard, try and be kind to yourself do at least one little thing per day for you. That is what I do. I hope it helps x Take care x

    • MummyandMonkeys
      February 28, 2016 / 2:00 pm

      Thanks Catie, I need to start doing this more x

  5. February 12, 2016 / 9:23 am

    You definitely shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. I’m sure you’re doing the best job you possibly can which makes you a perfect mummy x #picknmix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      February 28, 2016 / 2:01 pm

      It’s the thought that my best isn’t good enough, the struggles of being a perfectionist I guess, Thanks 🙂 x

  6. February 12, 2016 / 10:39 am

    Please don´t be so hard on yourself! The perfect Mummy does not exist, despite what social media may portay. I feel guilty as a working Mum, guilty for feeling resentful when I didn´t work, upset when I think my Husband works too much and guilty when I take up his free time with my work or trivial things. We are all just muddlng through and being there for your children in whatever form is the greatest gift you can give them! #picknmixfriday
    http://www.rockingmummysworld.wordpress.com

    • MummyandMonkeys
      February 28, 2016 / 2:03 pm

      there definitely is no perfect Mummy, well not one that is perfect all day every day. Some days of course I’m totally perfect 😉 x

  7. February 12, 2016 / 10:45 am

    You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, it sounds like you’re a normal Mum to me. Balancing life and motherhood. And that fact that you care so much shows you’re a fantastic Mum #picknmix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      February 28, 2016 / 2:03 pm

      Thanks Laura its a massive balancing act isn’t it x

  8. February 12, 2016 / 12:14 pm

    Aw don’t feel guilty. You ultimately have done what is best for you and them. As long as you look after them and you, that is all they could ever ask for. Keep smiling #picknmix

  9. February 12, 2016 / 12:33 pm

    I know this feeling well. It seems like almost every day I tell myself I will be a better Mum tomorrow. I think it’s just part of motherhood. We all just want the best for our children. Try not to let it get you too down, you’re doing an amazing job! #PicknMix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      February 28, 2016 / 2:06 pm

      Oh hun 🙁 from what I’ve seen and read on your blog you are doing a fantastic job too. I have no idea what makes us beat ourselves up so much x

  10. February 12, 2016 / 12:49 pm

    I think if everybody was honest, all mothers feel like this at some point, worrying if we are getting it right, whether we could have done something better. It’s a tough job being a Mommy and you sound like you’re a wonderful one.
    Keep your chin up x #picknmix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      February 28, 2016 / 2:07 pm

      I have had a lot of messaged from people saying they feel the same. It’s the toughest job I’ve ever done x

  11. February 12, 2016 / 5:06 pm

    Ah a very enotional post which I can relate to. Us mums are programned from the outset to feel guilty about everything we do. You are doing an amazjng job, remember that! Thanks for sharing xxx Kathy #PicknMix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      February 28, 2016 / 2:08 pm

      Yes we are, I can remember feeling guilty in my first pregnancy about loads of different things and it’s been ingrained since then. Thank you x

  12. February 12, 2016 / 5:38 pm

    Sending you a virtual hug. It is so hard being a mum and we simply don’t have enough arms or time to do everything you want to in a day. Motherhood is filled with worry and guilt no matter what choices we make. Thanks for such an honest post. #PicknMix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      February 28, 2016 / 2:11 pm

      Thank you for my hug 🙂 xx

  13. February 12, 2016 / 5:49 pm

    *hugs* You’ve nothing to feel guilty about – your children love you for you, just as you should love yourself. (Easier said than done, I know!) x #picknmix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      February 28, 2016 / 2:12 pm

      It’s definitely easier said than done, thanks for your lovely comment x

  14. February 12, 2016 / 7:21 pm

    You sounds like you are already an amazing mother, you are worrying because you care and when we care our families can feel it cause they know the diffrence. Hugs and strength to you mommy, this raod is not an easy one but you are a warrior for being here. #PicknMix Linky

    • MummyandMonkeys
      February 28, 2016 / 2:13 pm

      Thank you Lindi. It’s not an easy road, but luckily an amazing one x

  15. February 12, 2016 / 8:07 pm

    Ah,I’ve felt like this a lot.Strangely more so now that my eldest is a teen and I feel I don’t spend enough time with him – although a lot of the time he doesn’t want to it still bothers me x #picknmix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      February 28, 2016 / 2:14 pm

      Oh it must be tough when they are teenagers, I’m not looking forward to that stage. Hope you are ok xx

  16. February 12, 2016 / 9:30 pm

    Ahhh we all feel like that sometimes. Mommy guilt starts during pregnancy I think. You are the best mother for your kids & they are lucky to have you! Thanks so much for hosting #picknmix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      February 28, 2016 / 2:16 pm

      It definitely does, I can remember feeling guilty about loads of things when I was pregnant!Thank you xx

  17. February 12, 2016 / 9:53 pm

    What a beautiful and totally raw and honest post. Please don’t feel guilty – all of us are just doing the best we can. It is so normal for feel how you are feeling. I have been there, like you, laying awake planning on how to do better the next day. It is the toughest job in the world. Keep your chin up, Amy x #PickNMix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      February 28, 2016 / 2:17 pm

      Thank you Amy, it’s a tough job isn’t it. Sorry you suffer with the guilt too x

  18. February 12, 2016 / 9:58 pm

    The fact that you feel this guilt show’s that you are an amazing mummy. I constantly feel like this, especially if I’ve had a particularly difficult and shouty day with the boys. My mum in law told me when my son was born to be prepared for the guilt as you will always second guess what you are doing, it just shows you are a good mum. #picknmix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      February 28, 2016 / 2:18 pm

      Thanks Lisa and sorry you feel like it too. It’s good in a way that we feel it and care xx

  19. February 12, 2016 / 11:03 pm

    This is such a powerful post, I loved it. I think the fact that we feel guilty in the first place shows that we are good mums and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You’re doing a great job x #picknmix

    • MummyandMonkeys
      February 28, 2016 / 2:22 pm

      Thank you, glad you enjoyed it. You are right it does mean we care enough to feel guilty. xx

  20. February 12, 2016 / 11:22 pm

    Aw please don’t be hard on yourself, your boys love you, you are their mum and you have nothing to feel guilty about. I think sometimes, at night especially, it’s when all those worries and thoughts come, I know I’m always overthinking and can’t sleep, so you are very normal. But please don’t feel guilty! xx
    #Picknmix

  21. February 13, 2016 / 1:37 pm

    Ahhh…what a heartbreaking and touching post! I can feel so much of your love for your children and your silent pain. You are doing your best as a person, and as a mum and for that you are the best mum to your children. #PickNMix

  22. February 13, 2016 / 11:18 pm

    Oh bless your heart. I completely understand this – often guilt seems to come hand in hand with parenting but the best thing anyone ever told me is that guilt is a completely useless emotion – it serves no purpose and only hurts. Pls try to let guilt go – you’re doing an amazing job x #picknmix

  23. February 14, 2016 / 12:41 am

    Oh bless you! Of course you’re a good mummy. I completely understand this – I’ve always been one for feeling guilty about everything I do do & everything I don’t! & I’m a night time stresser, worrier and sometimes crier too. #picknmix

  24. February 15, 2016 / 2:05 pm

    That mummy guilt is a nasty thing isn’t it. Its only natural to want to be the best mum you can be, i think your being a hard on yourself, you sound like a loving caring mum who only wants whats best for your children. #picknmix

  25. February 16, 2016 / 7:24 am

    You are an amazing mum and a wonderfully lovely person. Don’t let the guilt get you down, we all start feeling it the second they’re born, it’s because they are a part of our heart and soul and we want to be perfect for them.
    There is no such thing as perfect, there is just doing our best.
    Stevie xx

  26. March 6, 2016 / 10:41 am

    Aww…don’t feel guilty. I guess it’s very natural for us mommies to make our kids special and be the best for them. Try to take things one step at a time. Relax and focus and everything will fall out right.

  27. March 8, 2016 / 4:14 pm

    Aww, you shouldn’t feel guilty, the fact you feel guilt shows that you care so much about your children. Everyone gets cross sometimes too, I always feel bad afterward and have started trying to apologise whenever I shout. It’s good for kids to know we can make mistakes too. #picnmix

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