To my beautiful baby girl, I’m sorry!

To my sweet baby girl, I’m sorry I got annoyed with you today and left the room. It was the screaming, I didn’t know what to do and I could feel myself getting more and more anxious and uptight. I needed to go out the room and breathe, just for a minute. I don’t even think you realised as you were too busy rolling around the cot in a rage, but I knew and as I came back in I looked at your eyes. Did they show me that you knew what I was thinking, did you know that at that moment I didn’t want to be there, I didn’t want to be a Mummy.

I’m tired today which is no excuse but definitely a reason for my lack of coping. I brought you in to bed with me at 1am after an hour of sitting by your cot trying to get you back to sleep, I was cold. Daddy is away and so I had no support. You went back to sleep fairly quickly but woke numerous times, reaching for my hand, pinching at my skin and grabbing my face. Tossing and turning with an uncomfortable tummy you decided you had, had enough of sleeping at 5:30. I fumbled for the TV remote and put on Peppa Pig, I wasn’t ready to get up, to face the day yet. Your brothers hear the Tv and join us around 6 and I manage to get up, eyes burning, wondering how I am going to make it through the day.

You don’t want to sit and eat all your breakfast and you definitely don’t want to get dressed. the car seat has the same affect and as your brothers go in to School you shout no, no, no at them and strain in my arms trying to chase after them. Back to the car and you scream again, arching your back making it difficult for me to get you in. I have a doctors appointment and almost don’t go, the thought of the waiting room and chasing after you is almost too much. Just like I thought, you spend the wait climbing over the chairs and running around, some patients smile at you and some frown. I want to protect you from those frowns even though you don’t notice or care so I scoop you up, try and occupy you with the bead table to no avail. Finally we are in the room with the doctor and she even comments on how active you are and questions if you ever sit still. I find myself coming to your defense as you are trying to empty the contents of the medical tray. 

Back to the car and someone has parked so close I can’t get you in and have to lean through. You still aren’t happy about going in the car and I don’t blame you. We need to go to the supermarket to get some of your milk and I try and think of a way we don’t need to do it as I can’t face it, but we do. It’s the only place we can get your oat milk. You don’t want to go in the trolley and cling to me meaning I’m pushing the trolley and holding you. Eventually I get you in there and you howl and sob the rest of the way round. This time going back in the car you are quite happy as I bribe you with food.

Home for lunch and then we are in the bedroom at the moment we are at now, with you screaming and me upset and I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried holding you, walking with you, cuddling you, putting you in the cot and still you scream. You are so tired but don’t want to sleep and I give up. I’m sorry I can’t comfort you, I can’t stop the tears or help you sleep. So I do the only thing I know, the thing that will heal us both, a cuddle. I hold your little body, so cross, so fierce and wonder what you are thinking, wishing you could tell me. 

To my beautiful baby girl Im sorry

 
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43 Comments

  1. February 29, 2016 / 10:04 pm

    Aww this makes me emotional. I’ve had days just like this.
    The way I see it is, little ones have bad days too. Days when everything annoys them, and they want something but they dont know what and thats even more upsetting.

    Also, I never forget the advice I was given from my health visitor with my first born.
    If you feel like you’re at breaking point. Take a break! Step outside for a few minutes.
    Breaaathe.

    It’s really important advice.

    • MummyandMonkeys
      February 29, 2016 / 10:21 pm

      Thanks Sarah, that’s why I stepped out. I knew she was safe and it meant I could breathe without the ringing in my ears. She’s had a week of being like it, no idea what it is and she’s sleeping much worse than normal which doesn’t help, you are right she’s having a bad day too x

  2. Sophie
    February 29, 2016 / 10:08 pm

    Tomorrow is another day my lovely, stay strong xx

    • MummyandMonkeys
      February 29, 2016 / 10:24 pm

      Thank you, hopefully tomorrow will be better x

  3. February 29, 2016 / 10:54 pm

    You are not alone in this and I’m so glad to find out that I’m not alone either. I’ve had this the last few weeks. All 4 top teeth at the same time and another lurgy causing yet more non-stop snot and up and down temperatures. Today I sat with my head in my hands and him screaming at me whilst sat on the floor. Keep smiling xx

  4. February 29, 2016 / 11:08 pm

    You are doing a great job. The fact that you went out of the room for a breather shows what a great job you are doing. Sometimes it’s harder to leave them for a moment for your own sanity than it is to stay and get more frustrated, upset and even angry.
    I hope you take comfort in the fact you are not alone, many if not all of us feel that pain, and fully understand and empathise with the emotional turmoil it brings you. But this too shall pass and one day soon (hopefully tomorrow) her teething/tummy pain will stop and she’ll be a smiley little sweetheart once more. Big hugs. Xxx

    • MummyandMonkeys
      March 1, 2016 / 9:17 am

      Thanks so much for your kind words. She seems a lot happier this morning after a week of being grumpy so hopefully we have turned a corner. Probably jinxed it now xx

  5. March 1, 2016 / 1:35 pm

    We all have to step out sometimes. Some days nothing makes them happy and you have to just survive as best you can. X

  6. March 2, 2016 / 4:51 pm

    I love how real you are about parenting in your blog and I think you’re an amazing Mum. Some days parenting is just really tough, but tomorrow will always be better .

    • MummyandMonkeys
      March 3, 2016 / 9:45 pm

      Thanks for your lovely comment Emma. Luckily she has been a bit happier the last few days. Some days are tough aren’t they xx

  7. March 2, 2016 / 4:54 pm

    I think we’ve all had days like this. Days when we just have to move on and try again tomorrow.

    • MummyandMonkeys
      March 3, 2016 / 9:44 pm

      Yes definitely, they make the good days seem better x

  8. March 3, 2016 / 10:50 am

    Massive hugs, this reminds me so much of mine and Toby’s Morrisons meltdown so I can completely relate. I hope the last couple of days have been easier for you both xxx

    • MummyandMonkeys
      March 3, 2016 / 8:15 pm

      Thanks hun, yes they have been luckily she seems happier again after a week of being grumpy. xx

  9. March 4, 2016 / 7:38 am

    Definitely been here,those days where nothing you do is good enough and being tired just makes it a hundred times worse.You’re doing a brilliant job and being able to walk away and collect your thoughts is best for both of you xx #picknmix

  10. March 4, 2016 / 7:57 am

    Sounds like a really rough patch, I hope things have resumed to normal now! I definitely had some days like this when my boy was a newborn who wouldn’t sleep or stop crying and I felt totally out of my depth. Sometimes there really isn’t anything you can do…

  11. March 4, 2016 / 8:12 am

    I have had so many days like this, where I have sat in the hall in tears trying to breathe. Avoiding dealing with the melting down toddler / baby. I keep reminding myself that everyone goes through it, it isn’t easy dealing with these headstrong little people. You are not alone, we all have horrible days. big hugs 🙂 #PicknMix

  12. March 4, 2016 / 9:26 am

    Ah those kind of days are so hard & it’s so hard to keep your patience – it’s nearly impossible. Especially when those days go on for weeks. It’s not easy hun – don’t feel badly. Mom guilt is the worst. You are doing an amazing job & your little lady will be out of this phase soon. #PicknMix

  13. March 4, 2016 / 9:36 am

    I wish I had something brilliant to say, some fantastic words of advice to give but I don’t, I’m sorry. I hope you can take some comfort though in knowing that all mums have times like this. All mums feel tired, overwhelmed, grumpy, sad, scared, cross everything else because we are human and can not be the TV advert or pinterest perfect all the time. It will get better!!! I promise, hang onto that.

  14. March 4, 2016 / 10:46 am

    Ahh darling. I hear this. I hear this sooooo loud. I remember those days, heck I still have those days even though O is nearly four. We can’t always make it right, and no one ever tells you how wretched that will make you feel. Big hugs to you. I hope you get some sleep tonight. #picknmix

  15. March 4, 2016 / 11:38 am

    Sometimes it’s just so frustrating – they can’t tell you what’s wrong, and you can’t work it out. There have been a few occasions I’ve just plunked Marianna in her cot so she can’t go anywhere and hurt herself, then just sat next to it and cried as she screams the house down! x #picknmix

  16. March 4, 2016 / 11:39 am

    Oh I do feel for you Eilidh – you did the right thing by stepping out and taking a moment. I think I would have lost my patience and shouted! It’s so tough when you have days like this you are not alone. We all have moments like this. Just this time last year my youngest would cling to me all the time and I could not leave him without him crying. It was a phase and it did pass and I know it’ll be the same with Ava too. xxx #PicknMix

  17. March 4, 2016 / 12:11 pm

    Thank you for being so very honest, it is comforting to know that I am not the only one who has days like you have described. I think it is meant to get better… sending a big hug your way! Jemma x #coolmumclub

  18. March 4, 2016 / 12:18 pm

    At least you had the sense to leave the room and take time out – I would have stayed and got even crosser!! Little B has developed this high pitch screech lately which is driving me bonkers… #pickmix

  19. March 4, 2016 / 12:42 pm

    Your posts always make me emotional, you have such a brilliant way of writing and describing how you are feeling and it always rings true with me. We all have days like this; stay strong. #PickNMix

  20. March 4, 2016 / 2:08 pm

    Oh it’s so hard when you have days like this. It sounds like you are doing fantastically though and have nothing to apologise for. Sometimes it all gets too much and taking 2 minutes out to breathe is the best thing for everyone. I hope things are back to normal soon! #PicknMix

  21. March 4, 2016 / 6:15 pm

    Urgh, weve all been there – even the leaning through the other side of the car. Hope you a relaxing weekend! x

  22. March 4, 2016 / 6:59 pm

    Ahhh I so feel this, I am not even lying that I have just had this exact same scenario with my toddler this afternoon, and felt the same way as you. These times are so hard, we have to just ride the s***storms and wait for the rainbow to reappear…remember we are only human lovely. Thanks so much for linking up to #coolmumclub with this x

  23. March 4, 2016 / 7:15 pm

    Eilidh I just want to give you a hug as I know exactly what you’re going through as my husband has been away for two weeks and Aria’s sleep has been horrendous. So horrendous I sat and cried in the middle of the night the other day as I just did not know what to do. Anyway, I rang my health visitor and did you know they have sleep specialisits? I have a referral and someone is meant to be calling me about a referral – it might be worth a try? #picknmix

  24. March 4, 2016 / 8:02 pm

    Such an emotional post and one I can definitely relate to. Days like this are soo hard but they happen to all of us at some point. I think you made the right decision to leave for a minute, sometimes we just need that bit of space to breathe and calm down. I hope you have a better day tomorrow xx #picknmix

  25. March 4, 2016 / 8:23 pm

    Parenting is so hard sometimes and it’s days like this that can really tip us over the edge! I’m afraid I’ve turned into angry shouty mum a few times recently and I hate it, I really need to step away from the situation and let things calm down. Angry shouty mum = an even angier, even shoutier 3 year old! Hang on in there xxx #picknmix

  26. March 4, 2016 / 9:58 pm

    It’s so hard when you know they don’t understand but you so desperately want them to understand you are doing the best you can as fast as you can and if they could just tell you what it is they want you would give it them if you could.

    #PicknMix

  27. March 4, 2016 / 10:08 pm

    Some days are just so, so hard. Some days parenting can just be relentless. All we can do is our best, but some days are just hard, especially when your baby can’t tell you what it is that they need. x

  28. March 5, 2016 / 1:29 pm

    I feel you on this. Sometimes you just have to step out of the room for a second and try to recenter and be objective about this situation. I think writing about it also helps and you did it so beautifully. #picknmix

  29. March 5, 2016 / 3:50 pm

    I have days like this…and then the days that everything is lovely makes it all worth it. I have never known someone so little mess with emotions so much. #picknmix

  30. March 5, 2016 / 4:54 pm

    Oh you are so brave to write this, I can totally relate. Those days and times are SO HARD when the screaming won’t stop and you simply don’t know what to do or how to make it better. The good days balance out the bad, but at the time that is so hard to remember. Thanks for helping me realise I’m not the only one #picknmix

  31. March 6, 2016 / 6:18 pm

    Oh bless you sweetheart, it’s really not easy before they can speak properly us it?! I cam remember days like this, but as you know with your older boys it does get easier.

    Stevie x

  32. March 6, 2016 / 9:26 pm

    Aww – sometimes it’s like this. i hate the doctor’s waiting room too – neither of mine like to stay still either! & I also hate when you end up freezing sitting by the cot in the middle of the night. #picknmix

  33. March 7, 2016 / 7:48 pm

    I’ve finished reading this and I have tears in my eyes. I think you have described every mum at some point. Three years down the line and there are still times like this; but its all worth it
    #PicknMix

  34. March 8, 2016 / 1:03 am

    Oh bless you xx I have had so many days like this with my youngest so can really relate to your feelings. Having to get on with your day when you know every little thing is going to be a battle. And God the tiredness, you described so well. Bless her she looks exhausted in the picture. Sending hugs and wine! Kathy x #PicknMix

  35. March 8, 2016 / 2:01 pm

    Yep you have to just walk away sometimes, its the best thing to do! I remember days like that, we still have days like that. You just know from the start its going to be a nightmare xxx #PicknMix

  36. March 9, 2016 / 11:14 am

    Oh lovely your not alone. I have many days like this, when we are all tired and the patience level is low. #picknmix xx

  37. April 11, 2016 / 7:21 pm

    We have days like that and now I have a kicking screaming toddler to contend with. Towards the end of last week I strapped Jaxon into the carrier, got him into a back carrier and marched to the shop – by the time we got to the shop he was too busy looking around at the trees and the sky and things like that so forgot what he was cross about in the first place lol. It probably won’t always work but did on this occasion anyway!

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