I’m typing this late on my phone unable to sleep, my eyes stinging from tears and tiredness. I need to write this down, to help get the grief out.
Grief, because I guess that’s what it is although I still feel like a fraud calling it that. I’ve discovered it likes to sneak up on you, catch you out in moments of tiredness or moments of awake. When you are alone or surrounded by people, it even pounces unexpectedly in moments of happiness.
For me I know the triggers now and I guess they are probably the same for others who have gone through it too. Seeing someone I know announce the birth of a baby, hearing of someone I know having a miscarriage. It can be as simple as the cry of a passing newborn or seeing a Mum cuddling their baby in a cafe. I still avoid newborn clothes in the shops, not even letting my eyes drift in that direction.
It’s been months now and sometimes the pain is so fresh, so real.
It’s like my heart continuously breaks and then tries to mend itself again.
Sometimes my mind wanders, I’m unable to control it and memories tinged with emotion come up of gazing at my newborn baby, feeling it’s fuzzy head against my cheek, breathing in the newborn smell. Staring at the beauty and the tiny miracle in my arms. I try to shake them away, focus on something different.
I try not to imagine the baby that never was.
Sometimes I manage days without thinking about it and then some weeks it’s constant, every day.
I question wether I should be more over it by now? Wonder if I will ever be able to look back at my pregnancies without sadness, without it leading to a trail of thought I fight to not go down.
I know I’m so lucky to have my children I really do. It makes me feel like I have no right to feel the way I do, but the tears still come in the darkness of the night. I still fight them in the classroom, trying to mark books, not allowing the tears welling in my eyes to drop and smudge the writing on the pages.
They still come in sudden moments, waves of sadness that sweep over me.
A little knot in my stomach that makes me feel sick until I release it in tears.
One thing I am coming to accept it that this is how I feel and I make no apologies for it!
If you want to read about our ectopic miscarriage it’s here.
Oh huni, I am so sorry. Sending you all my love xxx
Big hugs to you. I still have days when I grieve for my lost babies. It’s allowed and is only natural. Be kind to yourself xx
Oh, I’m so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. Mine happened back in November 2008 and I don’t think the pain ever fully leaves you. I found myself crying reading your post because I know how difficult we found it and I hate to think of anyone else going through it (although there are so many of us). You are not a fraud for calling it grief. It is a bereavement and it is grief and some days all you can do is cry for your baby. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Writing about it is so important to help raise awareness and also, I hope, help your own healing. Much love xxxx
I don’t think you ever really get over it, I know I think about mine at times. Especially around the time it would have been their birthday. Sending you big hugs lovely xx
Such sad days Eilidh, if you ever need to talk to someone who has been through this you can call http://childdeathhelpline.org.uk it’s manned by bereaved parents.
Lorraine x
I am so sorry you are going through this, I will never forget losing our first child and it literally broke me… Even though I have two beautiful happy, healthy kids I still wonder about my first bubs…
Big big big big hugs
Don’t ever feel that your grief is not real. If you feel it, it’s real. You are mourning a life imagined, it doesn’t matter how short it was, it was still a life. Allow yourself to grieve. Sending you a hug.
Im sorry for your loss. You explained that beautifully and you’re right, you have no need to apologise for your feelings xx
Oh you poor love … I’m so sorry … but you are so right, you shouldn’t make apologies fro how you feel … emotion helps us hold on to something that we aren’t ready to let go of and only you can make that decision when the time is right. Sending hugs #PickNMix
So sorry you went through this, it must be so hard. It does feel good to write things down sometimes doesn’t it? Sending hugs x #picknmix
Having been there myself I know how overwhelming the emotions can be sometimes when you think of what could have been and it is cathartic to give into it sometimes. No apology is needed. Wishing you good health and hope for the future. #PickNMix
I cannot fathom how it feels to go through this. You feel and do however and whatever you need. Lots of love x
I am so sorry and what a truly honest post. I hope things get easier. Thank you for hosting #picknmix
That is such a heart felt post. I remember feeling utter loss after mine and it takes a long time to heal, especially when you have children and you’re bursting with love. I hope it starts to get better for you lovely. xxx #picknmix
Lots of love to you, this made me so emotional and I felt your pain. I have lost sixteen babies, fifteen to miscarriage and one at full term to stillbirth, and that pain never EVER goes away. Despite the fact I have four healthy children, there isn’t a single day when I don’t think about what might have been, or what should have been. Don’t ever feel that you should have moved on or “got over it” as many expect you to, you do whats right for you, in whatever timeframe you need to take, and get through it however you know how. #picknmix
I can’t even begin to imagine how this feels. The only thing I can think of is that you are still grieving someone you love even if you never got to meet them, I don’t think that ever goes away really. One thing I do know is that you should never have to apologise for the way you feel! It’s very brave of you to write about it. #picknmix
I’m so sorry to read this 🙁 it’s so hard to go through and never goes away even when you have happy healthy children at home xx #picknmix
Oh sweetheart, I hate that you feel like this but it sounds completely ‘normal’ and understandable to me. I hope with time it will get easier, although I know it will never go away.
Stevie xx
Oh I’m sorry to hear your feeling sad, but it’s normal in my eyes. I had two miscarriages between my two girls & I stil think about them to this day. I don’t think I will ever stop, and neither will you. Sending virtual hugs. #PicknMix
Oh I’m so sorry to hear this and send all my love. I can only imagine how hard that must be and I think you’re so brave for writing this xx #picknmix
It’s just so sad and it hurts so much. Emotions are so strong and work to their own timetable. You must give yourself as much time as you need and even a bit more; each time you think you’re OK but it springs back, that’s you bit more. As many times as you need. That little person was real. The loss is real, no matter how far along the pregnancy was. It’s genuine. It’s your emotion, putting time frames into place doesn’t work. If you need the time take it, all of it. Dealing with the grief will become easier, more manageable but you are entitled to mourn that tiny life whenever, wherever and however you need to. Sending you warm hugs, love and understanding. X
I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this – the array of emotions you go through especially when they creep up on you unexpectedly is tough.
I had mine back in 2012 on Valentines Day of all days and all I wanted to do was hide away and cry for a long time. Sending you lots of love and hugs xxxx
my ex and I went through a very late stage miscarriage and it took me over a year to be fully over it. Its something that will stick with you for a while. Stray strong, the grief does fade. #picnmix