Today I actually thought I don’t want to be a Mum anymore! And then almost immediately after that thought I watched my beautiful daughter reach her little arms up for me. Knowing that I was the only person in the World there and able to comfort her at that particular moment. Looking at her delicate little lashes, wet with tears and her shiny eyes staring into mine, waiting for the reassurance that she knew I would give. I felt so guilty for ever thinking that. So I picked her up, squeezed her tightly and whispered ‘I’m sorry’.
It is a sorry for so many things.
A sorry for the fleeting thought, wish, for an easier life that had just moments before passed through my head.
A sorry for not wanting to deal with another tantrum. Have the noise ringing in my ears and into my brain making me feel anxious and fuzzy.
A sorry for the frustration I feel seeping out of me that I’m sometimes unable to control.
A sorry for feeling like they deserve a better Mummy, one who doesn’t find it all a little bit too much, a little bit repetitive and boring some days.
This isn’t how I imagined motherhood to be. It’s so often portrayed as this shiny, spotless, wonderful life when in reality it can be the total opposite. Yes the moments of happiness, laughter and the amazing feeling of loving someone with every fiber of your being outweigh the bad. Most days! But some days they don’t and some days you will struggle with the relentless responsibility that you constantly feel.
That’s normal and I think it’s so important to be honest and open about just how hard it can be.
PND, anxiety, depression and loneliness. They are all made worse by this pretense that everything is easy and it isn’t. The feeling that everyone else has their shit together apart from you I used to feel all the time and it isn’t true.
I’m lucky enough to have friends who admit to the tough days too and make me feel not so alone.
So for those of you out there who feel like the only one, here I am being completely honest that today has been HARD. There have been tears, frustration, cuddles, love and a complete feeling of being totally overwhelmed.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!